Tell me true, is your newly-gained invisibility your new superpower?
Or do you feel ‘less-than’ for feeling invisible?
It might that everywhere you went when you were younger you attracted attention. The kind of attention that boosted your confidence and made you feel free. In my mind I am seeing you walk down the street in a famous perfume commercial, strutting and getting a lot of attention.
Was this ever true?
Hah, there might be a small number of women who could cause this kind of commotion? (Most of them famous movie stars?)
Or was it just a lot of noisy perfume ads (and the Big Beauty industry) giving us the impression that this was your life if you wore the right perfume?
Feeling as though you are sexually attractive when you walk down the street, walk into a party or pick up some groceries might be a game for the young. As you grow older you might lose some ground on trying to be seen and validated for existing on planet Earth.
What’s the cause? Misogyny? Ageist beliefs? Society’s expectations?
There have been essays I have read about women past the age of being able to bear children no longer attract notice. That if they are menopausal, there is a lack of worth. So that means that you were only ever visible to men who were sexually attracted to you? You were only good for reproducing?
I am not sure about that being the whole story.
As if that is the one thing a woman is good for? That seems too simple. There has to be a full spectrum of reasons a woman will be noticed, seen, appreciated, right? What about a woman who provides an important service. Someone who is a respected professional like a doctor, a carpenter, a vet, a therapist, a marketing genius, a visionary architect, a farmer, a business powerhouse. It is not until retirement that a professional woman might begin to have trouble defining herself when she no longer provides her expertise in her profession. and this might lead to the uneasy feeling of being invisible.
But wait a minute…
In some ways, this can be your superpower: able to weave in and out of situations and social occasions unseen and unheard, sneaking all the good cheese off the charcuterie board or evading the know-it-all yahoo who is about to tell you things that you ALREADY KNOW, thanks. That’s when the cloak of invisibility can be quite useful.
It’s not funny, not at all, when you feel invisible when you actually want to be seen, heard and validated. That’s when the invisibility cloak becomes too heavy and burdensome. No one wants to feel like they don’t matter. You want to connect and if the other person glances right past you, not seeing you, not meeting your eyes…
That might sting a little.
(Obviously being overlooked says volumes about the person overlooking you: likely this person has some ageist beliefs about the (lack of) value of an older woman. Boo!)
Tackling Invisibility
I have experienced the sting of being overlooked. The time I was waiting in line for pizza at the hot new (jammed with people) place and the teenager behind the counter helped the man who just arrived and strode confidently up to the front of the line.
“Hi, I was actually next,” I said. Both the guy and teenager were completely bored with my assertion. There might have been an eye roll?
That made me mad and made me feel unseen. Invisible in the worst sort of way. 😡 😒
I fumed, carrying my pizza back to the the car.
I chalked it up to poor customer service, and societal expectations that say I don’t matter. [Which causes me to rebel and here we are, boosting each other up and finding ways to revel in aging…]
Maybe one way of dealing with this feeling of disconnection is to find ways to boost your visibility and create some energy when you want to connect.
When you walk into a party and want to bring some energy and good vibes with you, be interested in those at the party. If you are interested, if you ask some good questions, if you are willing to be a good listener and pay attention you might spark a connection. Watch to see what topics light up the person you are talking to and dwell on that topic. Ask questions and watch their joy. The right person will turn that sparkly attention back to you and enjoy the conversation.
Another way to increase your energy and project confidence is to create the most space possible between your ears and your shoulders. Carry your head high, and press your shoulders gently down and back. Its a way to show you respect yourself, conveys authority and carries a whiff of power.
[Try it next time somebody wants to hog the sidewalk and expects you to step aside. Be calm, carry your head high, shoulders down, and continue walking as if you will never yield an inch to the side.]
Another practical tip for attracting the good type of attention in a gathering… be someone who is quick to laugh and relax. No one can resist someone who wants to easily laugh and have fun. Be irresistible when you want to be seen and heard. People are feeling lonely these days and you might end up attracting a lot of energy.
Dress in a way that feels authentically YOU, the way you like to look, the way you like to feel. Maybe devise a uniform that you can rely on to make you feel happy with the way you feel. When you are at ease and enjoying yourself it shows. And this attracts attention — people want to be close to that sense of ease and comfort.
But here is the nugget of truth, my juicy little peach.
If you define ourselves only by your profession, by the power of what you can produce …something of value, some service or product, you are heading for trouble if/when you retire. Which you might choose to do sometime after menopause.
And that’s why I want to add the most powerful practice you can do, daily, to boost your confidence.
Everyday, when you are brushing your teeth, remind yourself how valuable you are to the world. Find 3 things you love about yourself and say them in the mirror. Or 3 ways you made yourself proud yesterday. And realize you had worth on the day you were born without lifting a finger. And that worth was always there waiting for you to discover it. To treasure it.
You don’t need to be sexually attractive to earn attention. It might have made you uncomfortable, anyway.
You don’t need to be a powerful professional to earn respect.
All of your self-worth was always there, no matter how old you are and no matter if you are retired or still at it.
It’s there and one of the great jobs of growing older and wiser is recognizing your worth and loving yourself more and more, everyday.
Because only then can you reach out and love others and lift everyone else up with you.
What do you do to boost your confidence when you are out in the wild?
Do you play some pump-up music in your car on the way to the party?
Or maybe you take walks with your dog because you know it will be easier to reach out and connect with other dog walkers?
I would love to hear your problems or solutions to feeling invisible… is it your superpower?
Just click “reply” and let me know your visibility status and how you feel about it. Relieved? Angry?
PS: Other articles about reveling in aging to read:
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